[ The words come out almost in disbelief. For a moment his thoughts raced with different scenarios trying to piece together how she had left him in such a sorry state. Had they fought? Was he injured somewhere Clive hadn't seen? His run ins with the woman had been less than desirable, and thinking back to their confrontations in the past left nothing good to come to mind.
It was only when Cid had lit the cigar and continued that realization had begun to seep in.
Ah... so that's what this was all about—
It was still confusing overall given that the history between the two was usually kept behind closed doors. But it was a history nonetheless, and one Cid seemed rather torn up about.
[Oh, no, it is that bad. Once Jill hears that woman's name, it takes everything in her to keep how she feels about Benedikta off her face. And hearing Cid say he loved her... there's a kneejerk reactionary thought that is the simple and single word why in Jill's mind. There has not been one good thing about Benedikta that Jill could find, not even with a stretch, in the few interactions they've shared, so what could Cid possibly find in her to love?
To want to try and love her again? After all Benedikta has done? When she's partnered with Barnabas of all people? There's attraction and then there's plain insanity and Jill's wondering if Cid is leaning into the latter a little bit too much.
But it's not her place to say any of this out loud, especially when she's saved by Clive asking a necessary question that expects an answer so she doesn't have to figure out some cordial words. For now, she just stays silent, forcing her expression into something neutral, and allows Cid the space to talk.]
[Even in his drunken state he can feel the general confusion and unease in their thoughts, and he's not bothered by it. If anything they only reflect common sense, what with how things turned out and what they experienced. What they see now.]
Last straw, probably.
["Probably." Most likely. Yet there was still that confusion, that ambiguity. Denial, too.
He takes another smoke before revealing a little more of this complicated puzzle.]
Look. I know how she is now, but she didn't always used to be that way. And I'm not going to bore you with all my baggage. But I'll tell you this much.
[He takes another long drag as he thinks about how much he should say and how much he actually wants to. But with all that alcohol, his tongue is going to be looser, anyway. Probably too loose with all that he's about to say to them.]
I used to serve under Barnabas as his Lord Commander. Over twenty years I gave that man my life and he returned it by using me for his own damn schemes. Used all of us, including Benedikta. He's the one who sent her to Kupka. [His face contorts even more, disgust and anger brimming in his eyes before he sighs.] Barnabas changed us, and there was nothing I could do then to stop it—or her. But even after I left Waleod, I always hoped—tried to make her see the truth. To make her leave him.
[A small, defeated sigh, his hand still gripping the phone tightly.]
But she never forgave me for leaving her... And I regret not taking her.
[Another smoke, as if to gather his thoughts and himself.]
So, when we met again here... Thought maybe this could be a second chance to make amends. Not even to get back together, just... Something. Anything. Help her find a new path in life that she couldn't back in ours. Try to do what I couldn't before.
But Barnabas showing up threw a wrench in that... And I made it worse.
[A small, hollow empty laugh.]
She didn't know she was dead. She had her suspicions, given how I found her. [A small glance at Clive, but he doesn't say anything. The kid doesn't need to know.] But me and my big mouth didn't realize it, so I was the one who ended up telling her. You can imagine how well that went. Tried to talk to her again last night, but.. Fucked that up, too.
I don't know what she wants anymore, if she even wants me anymore. Never gave me a straight answer. She says and does one thing, then pushes me away. [A rough wave of his hand, smoke trailing through the air.] I'm just ruining her, and I should just cut it all, should have ages ago but—[His voice strains a bit.]
I can't. Pathetic, right?
[There's a thin, wane smile that does little to mask the deep hurt and confusion that plagues him. Even hearing all of this to his ears, it's so obvious what he should do. Knows what he would say to anyone else in his place. But each time he thinks, "This is it, no more, I quit," he sees her face. Sees that fear in her eyes, the way she still clearly seeks him. Wants him. Needs him. To what end, he doesn't know, and that's part of the problem.]
[ ... Well this was a fuckton of information to process—
And yet Clive listens, intently, to everything Cid has to say. Being aware of only bits and pieces from the vague mentioning that he had spoken of in the past, Clive was able to finally fill in the missing holes left behind to form one singular picture.
That would explain a few things, too. Especially with the way she had reacted when he had first encountered Benedikta. How she didn't know she was dead, and how Cid was the one who had told her that information. But for him to try to patch things up with her? To want to be with her? That was the part that still confused the man, and caused his brows to pinch in confusion.
But whatever she had told him, whatever argument they had been in, it was enough to send his sorry ass to the shittiest place he'd seen and attempt to rot there. So as much as Clive felt he was against this... maybe there was a way to help. ]
You're trying to save her... [ The words were hard to find after all of this. Clive had only ever known her as an enemy, and yet to Cid...
Stupid fucking Cid. ] ... And you're right. You are pathetic for drowning yourself in a bottle, but not because you're trying to make things right.
[ ... But Clive was no matchmaker.
He hardly had to deal with romantics back in Storm, and his own- though quite established- was still in the blossoming stages.
How was he to possibly assist Cid in this situation? Turning his gaze briefly back towards Jill and seeing the quiet expression falling over her gave him no indication of what she was thinking, and whether or not it was good at all.
This somehow turned into a far more difficult situation than he had imagined. ]
[With Clive looking at her as if he seeks to find an explanation in her, Jill widens her own eyes and gives him a shake of her head. This is so much. Perhaps too much. She still has a distaste for the woman, but there is a little part of Jill that's sympathetic to Benedikta learning about her own death. Surely that has to be traumatic, being surprised with such a heavy topic, the knowledge that there is nothing left for you in the world left back home. There's no way Jill could understand it, but she knows the feeling of receiving heart stopping information.
And surely Benedikta's connection, that unfailing loyalty to Barnabas of all people, isn't making the situation easier.
Still, someone has to state the bitter truth to the man and because Clive's statement seems harsh, she decides insulting Cid isn't her preferred method.]
You cannot force her hand.
[Her voice itself is low, soft, almost cautious in her approach to Cid. He may not like what she has to say, but it's going to be said anyway with good intentions..]
If there is one thing I have learned over the years is that you can't save those who do not wish to be saved. You have given her the choice, perhaps the space to see her options, but if she continues to choose the one that does not involve you, no amount of pushing her will change that.
Time will, maybe, but not drink. [A pause as she turns to look at Clive, eyes falling upon his reddened cheek.] Or taking your frustration out on other people's faces.
But not out of contempt. He knows wallowing in alcohol was a poor decision, but it was the one he needed at the time. ...Still not going to apologize to Clive about the punch—not tonight, anyway. He will later when he sobers up.
For now, he just lets out a hollow laugh.]
Space... Well it's what she wants, so that's exactly what she'll get.
[ He wasn't expecting an apology, as much as it seemed that Jill was demanding one. They all knew what it was like to hit rock bottom, and the frustrations that could come out of it.
But here, now, at least they had one another to lean on for support. No longer was acting alone necessary, but getting Cid to realize that just as he had would be a greater task now that Benedikta had been wedged into the mix... ]
Likely for the best. At least for now. [ He wants to find some way to encourage him- to get him back on his feet- so he, too, will drop his tone just enough to continue. ]
But, in time, she may have a change of heart. If the both of you shared that connection before, perhaps there is room to try again. [ Even though he... was the one to end her life in the first place. A decision he could not regret, but likely one that only further complicated things. ]
That may not be for you to decide, though. Only when she is ready.
[One could say that she is demanding one, but only because it's Cid. She expected better of him, really, and all of them have hit rock bottom. More than once in some cases, but which one of them hit their ally who was just trying to assist? Right.
But that's something for her to argue Cid down about when his mind is less fueled by ale.]
And if she is ever ready, you must not become bitter over how long it took for her decision to arrive.
[It's a strange feeling, this consideration she's giving to Benedikta of all people. Jill can't say she likes one bit of the woman, but as a fellow human being, there's that basic decency one should be afforded. A person, regardless of their misdeeds, should have a choice. Benedikta should have full say whether or not she was Cid back in her life and should have all the time in the world to decide on that. Anything less would just be unkind.
Anything less would go against the ethos of the Hideaway.]
I gave her that choice six years ago. Waited six years until she died.
And she's once again back with Barnabas.
[His voice is deflated, whatever ire he had left gone.]
I'm not saying you're wrong. But...
[He looks at Jill now, frowning. Maybe she might be able to answer??]
She told me I should have fought harder.
[And this is where things get a bit mixed because he was with their mindset—wait. But her words seem to suggest otherwise and this is where confusion and uncertainty rises.]
[ ... Yeah this might be a Jill question to answer. It was already a difficult situation presented, but knowing the ins and outs of a woman's mind was farther than what Clive could hope to comprehend. At least for the moment.
Not that he didn't try, but that was something he himself was trying to work on.
He won't look at Jill too intently as to add any unnecessary pressure on her. Instead he'll keep his gaze locked on Cid and reading his facial expressions. ]
[Jill may be a woman with a woman's mind, but she isn't part of some shared brain between all of Valisthea's women. Hells, she barely knows her way around a relationship, finding herself still uncertain of doing more than chaste kisses and innocent hand-holding with Clive. Looking to a late bloomer for advice on why another woman being wishy washy will probably end up in sadness for all parties.
But what she does know is the fear of wishing for something for yourself, but being too afraid to ask for it. For Jill, it was because everything she desired was denied of her or worse, the mere want of a thing was promised only for it to be used against her over and over again until it was beaten out of her spirit. She learned to be hesitant in entertaining the simple idea, much less the actual action, of having a want.
Maybe this is Benedikta's issue, though Jill's guess is foggy. She knows not of what the woman has gone through, only knowing her as the Wind Harpy with the nasty attitude. But no one is born with such a personality, are they? Not without a good reason.]
Did you fight at all? Did you ask her once and believe that was it?
[The questions are soft in nature, not at all accusing. She's just trying to find out what exactly is Cid's definition of fighting for Benedikta is.]
It may not have been enough to break through the fear of wanting something so big, a change bigger than her, without a firm hand at her back.
[A small, haggard sigh as he runs a hand over his face.]
At least, not in the way she wanted I suppose. Short of killing Hugo and Barnabas, the only other "way" left would have been to take her away kicking and screaming with me.
[His hand then falls with a hard smack against his leg.]
Maybe I should have. But at the time she had made it so clear she wanted to stay in Waleod, that she wanted that over me, it was basically the final straw. How was I supposed to know she secretly wanted me to take her when she was doing everything else to say otherwise? All those times...
[He stops himself, not wanting to beleaguer old memories on two people who don't need to be dragged further into this mess. Especially when he knows how this all sounds.]
I always wondered if I should have just done it, but that would leave me no better than the rest. So I let her have her choice. But with how things turned out...
[Another empty wave of his hand.]
You may be right. I missed the signs and should have given her a firmer hand.
[Security with an all powerful king versus a man set to go rogue and rebel against the world. From that standpoint, the choice is clear for someone too afraid of risks.]
[ Despite not knowing the inner workings of one's psyche, Clive could feel empathy for Cid's situation. He didn't know Benedikta as well had he had- he could never know- but by simply listening to the man's words it was clear there was an uncontrollable conflict that he was stuck in the middle of.
There was no changing of the past- no time capsule or magick spell that could spend him to fix this. There was only here, now, at this very moment. And the fact that the gods gave them both another chance had to mean something, right? ]
You couldn't have know at the time, Cid. [ Clive breathes his words out slowly, as if to change his approach. The tension settling in the room was growing thicker and the man attempts to disperse some of it by a supportive squeeze to Cid's shoulder. ] She may have not known herself. But you tired, and did what you thought you could.
[ No option that Cid presented seemed good at the time. To fight both Barnabas and Hugo? Even Clive knew how that would have turned out. And then to try to forcefully pull her from her situation? It seemed as though he had made the one and only decision that felt right. ]
All that's left is to continue to be there for her, even at a distance. You know as well as I how long scars take to heal...
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ The words come out almost in disbelief. For a moment his thoughts raced with different scenarios trying to piece together how she had left him in such a sorry state. Had they fought? Was he injured somewhere Clive hadn't seen? His run ins with the woman had been less than desirable, and thinking back to their confrontations in the past left nothing good to come to mind.
It was only when Cid had lit the cigar and continued that realization had begun to seep in.
Ah... so that's what this was all about—
It was still confusing overall given that the history between the two was usually kept behind closed doors. But it was a history nonetheless, and one Cid seemed rather torn up about.
But how to even approach this? ]
Did something happen between you two on the ship?
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To want to try and love her again? After all Benedikta has done? When she's partnered with Barnabas of all people? There's attraction and then there's plain insanity and Jill's wondering if Cid is leaning into the latter a little bit too much.
But it's not her place to say any of this out loud, especially when she's saved by Clive asking a necessary question that expects an answer so she doesn't have to figure out some cordial words. For now, she just stays silent, forcing her expression into something neutral, and allows Cid the space to talk.]
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Last straw, probably.
["Probably." Most likely. Yet there was still that confusion, that ambiguity. Denial, too.
He takes another smoke before revealing a little more of this complicated puzzle.]
Look. I know how she is now, but she didn't always used to be that way. And I'm not going to bore you with all my baggage. But I'll tell you this much.
[He takes another long drag as he thinks about how much he should say and how much he actually wants to. But with all that alcohol, his tongue is going to be looser, anyway. Probably too loose with all that he's about to say to them.]
I used to serve under Barnabas as his Lord Commander. Over twenty years I gave that man my life and he returned it by using me for his own damn schemes. Used all of us, including Benedikta. He's the one who sent her to Kupka. [His face contorts even more, disgust and anger brimming in his eyes before he sighs.] Barnabas changed us, and there was nothing I could do then to stop it—or her. But even after I left Waleod, I always hoped—tried to make her see the truth. To make her leave him.
[A small, defeated sigh, his hand still gripping the phone tightly.]
But she never forgave me for leaving her... And I regret not taking her.
[Another smoke, as if to gather his thoughts and himself.]
So, when we met again here... Thought maybe this could be a second chance to make amends. Not even to get back together, just... Something. Anything. Help her find a new path in life that she couldn't back in ours. Try to do what I couldn't before.
But Barnabas showing up threw a wrench in that... And I made it worse.
[A small, hollow empty laugh.]
She didn't know she was dead. She had her suspicions, given how I found her. [A small glance at Clive, but he doesn't say anything. The kid doesn't need to know.] But me and my big mouth didn't realize it, so I was the one who ended up telling her. You can imagine how well that went. Tried to talk to her again last night, but.. Fucked that up, too.
I don't know what she wants anymore, if she even wants me anymore. Never gave me a straight answer. She says and does one thing, then pushes me away. [A rough wave of his hand, smoke trailing through the air.] I'm just ruining her, and I should just cut it all, should have ages ago but—[His voice strains a bit.]
I can't. Pathetic, right?
[There's a thin, wane smile that does little to mask the deep hurt and confusion that plagues him. Even hearing all of this to his ears, it's so obvious what he should do. Knows what he would say to anyone else in his place. But each time he thinks, "This is it, no more, I quit," he sees her face. Sees that fear in her eyes, the way she still clearly seeks him. Wants him. Needs him. To what end, he doesn't know, and that's part of the problem.]
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And yet Clive listens, intently, to everything Cid has to say. Being aware of only bits and pieces from the vague mentioning that he had spoken of in the past, Clive was able to finally fill in the missing holes left behind to form one singular picture.
That would explain a few things, too. Especially with the way she had reacted when he had first encountered Benedikta. How she didn't know she was dead, and how Cid was the one who had told her that information. But for him to try to patch things up with her? To want to be with her? That was the part that still confused the man, and caused his brows to pinch in confusion.
But whatever she had told him, whatever argument they had been in, it was enough to send his sorry ass to the shittiest place he'd seen and attempt to rot there. So as much as Clive felt he was against this... maybe there was a way to help. ]
You're trying to save her... [ The words were hard to find after all of this. Clive had only ever known her as an enemy, and yet to Cid...
Stupid fucking Cid. ] ... And you're right. You are pathetic for drowning yourself in a bottle, but not because you're trying to make things right.
[ ... But Clive was no matchmaker.
He hardly had to deal with romantics back in Storm, and his own- though quite established- was still in the blossoming stages.
How was he to possibly assist Cid in this situation? Turning his gaze briefly back towards Jill and seeing the quiet expression falling over her gave him no indication of what she was thinking, and whether or not it was good at all.
This somehow turned into a far more difficult situation than he had imagined. ]
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And surely Benedikta's connection, that unfailing loyalty to Barnabas of all people, isn't making the situation easier.
Still, someone has to state the bitter truth to the man and because Clive's statement seems harsh, she decides insulting Cid isn't her preferred method.]
You cannot force her hand.
[Her voice itself is low, soft, almost cautious in her approach to Cid. He may not like what she has to say, but it's going to be said anyway with good intentions..]
If there is one thing I have learned over the years is that you can't save those who do not wish to be saved. You have given her the choice, perhaps the space to see her options, but if she continues to choose the one that does not involve you, no amount of pushing her will change that.
Time will, maybe, but not drink. [A pause as she turns to look at Clive, eyes falling upon his reddened cheek.] Or taking your frustration out on other people's faces.
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But not out of contempt. He knows wallowing in alcohol was a poor decision, but it was the one he needed at the time. ...Still not going to apologize to Clive about the punch—not tonight, anyway. He will later when he sobers up.
For now, he just lets out a hollow laugh.]
Space... Well it's what she wants, so that's exactly what she'll get.
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But here, now, at least they had one another to lean on for support. No longer was acting alone necessary, but getting Cid to realize that just as he had would be a greater task now that Benedikta had been wedged into the mix... ]
Likely for the best. At least for now. [ He wants to find some way to encourage him- to get him back on his feet- so he, too, will drop his tone just enough to continue. ]
But, in time, she may have a change of heart. If the both of you shared that connection before, perhaps there is room to try again. [ Even though he... was the one to end her life in the first place. A decision he could not regret, but likely one that only further complicated things. ]
That may not be for you to decide, though. Only when she is ready.
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But that's something for her to argue Cid down about when his mind is less fueled by ale.]
And if she is ever ready, you must not become bitter over how long it took for her decision to arrive.
[It's a strange feeling, this consideration she's giving to Benedikta of all people. Jill can't say she likes one bit of the woman, but as a fellow human being, there's that basic decency one should be afforded. A person, regardless of their misdeeds, should have a choice. Benedikta should have full say whether or not she was Cid back in her life and should have all the time in the world to decide on that. Anything less would just be unkind.
Anything less would go against the ethos of the Hideaway.]
Until then? You wait.
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[It's not that what they said is wrong. Just...]
I gave her that choice six years ago. Waited six years until she died.
And she's once again back with Barnabas.
[His voice is deflated, whatever ire he had left gone.]
I'm not saying you're wrong. But...
[He looks at Jill now, frowning. Maybe she might be able to answer??]
She told me I should have fought harder.
[And this is where things get a bit mixed because he was with their mindset—wait. But her words seem to suggest otherwise and this is where confusion and uncertainty rises.]
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Not that he didn't try, but that was something he himself was trying to work on.
He won't look at Jill too intently as to add any unnecessary pressure on her. Instead he'll keep his gaze locked on Cid and reading his facial expressions. ]
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But what she does know is the fear of wishing for something for yourself, but being too afraid to ask for it. For Jill, it was because everything she desired was denied of her or worse, the mere want of a thing was promised only for it to be used against her over and over again until it was beaten out of her spirit. She learned to be hesitant in entertaining the simple idea, much less the actual action, of having a want.
Maybe this is Benedikta's issue, though Jill's guess is foggy. She knows not of what the woman has gone through, only knowing her as the Wind Harpy with the nasty attitude. But no one is born with such a personality, are they? Not without a good reason.]
Did you fight at all? Did you ask her once and believe that was it?
[The questions are soft in nature, not at all accusing. She's just trying to find out what exactly is Cid's definition of fighting for Benedikta is.]
It may not have been enough to break through the fear of wanting something so big, a change bigger than her, without a firm hand at her back.
no subject
If we're talking about the past, then no.
[A small, haggard sigh as he runs a hand over his face.]
At least, not in the way she wanted I suppose. Short of killing Hugo and Barnabas, the only other "way" left would have been to take her away kicking and screaming with me.
[His hand then falls with a hard smack against his leg.]
Maybe I should have. But at the time she had made it so clear she wanted to stay in Waleod, that she wanted that over me, it was basically the final straw. How was I supposed to know she secretly wanted me to take her when she was doing everything else to say otherwise? All those times...
[He stops himself, not wanting to beleaguer old memories on two people who don't need to be dragged further into this mess. Especially when he knows how this all sounds.]
I always wondered if I should have just done it, but that would leave me no better than the rest. So I let her have her choice. But with how things turned out...
[Another empty wave of his hand.]
You may be right. I missed the signs and should have given her a firmer hand.
[Security with an all powerful king versus a man set to go rogue and rebel against the world. From that standpoint, the choice is clear for someone too afraid of risks.]
no subject
There was no changing of the past- no time capsule or magick spell that could spend him to fix this. There was only here, now, at this very moment. And the fact that the gods gave them both another chance had to mean something, right? ]
You couldn't have know at the time, Cid. [ Clive breathes his words out slowly, as if to change his approach. The tension settling in the room was growing thicker and the man attempts to disperse some of it by a supportive squeeze to Cid's shoulder. ] She may have not known herself. But you tired, and did what you thought you could.
[ No option that Cid presented seemed good at the time. To fight both Barnabas and Hugo? Even Clive knew how that would have turned out. And then to try to forcefully pull her from her situation? It seemed as though he had made the one and only decision that felt right. ]
All that's left is to continue to be there for her, even at a distance. You know as well as I how long scars take to heal...