But not out of contempt. He knows wallowing in alcohol was a poor decision, but it was the one he needed at the time. ...Still not going to apologize to Clive about the punch—not tonight, anyway. He will later when he sobers up.
For now, he just lets out a hollow laugh.]
Space... Well it's what she wants, so that's exactly what she'll get.
[ He wasn't expecting an apology, as much as it seemed that Jill was demanding one. They all knew what it was like to hit rock bottom, and the frustrations that could come out of it.
But here, now, at least they had one another to lean on for support. No longer was acting alone necessary, but getting Cid to realize that just as he had would be a greater task now that Benedikta had been wedged into the mix... ]
Likely for the best. At least for now. [ He wants to find some way to encourage him- to get him back on his feet- so he, too, will drop his tone just enough to continue. ]
But, in time, she may have a change of heart. If the both of you shared that connection before, perhaps there is room to try again. [ Even though he... was the one to end her life in the first place. A decision he could not regret, but likely one that only further complicated things. ]
That may not be for you to decide, though. Only when she is ready.
[One could say that she is demanding one, but only because it's Cid. She expected better of him, really, and all of them have hit rock bottom. More than once in some cases, but which one of them hit their ally who was just trying to assist? Right.
But that's something for her to argue Cid down about when his mind is less fueled by ale.]
And if she is ever ready, you must not become bitter over how long it took for her decision to arrive.
[It's a strange feeling, this consideration she's giving to Benedikta of all people. Jill can't say she likes one bit of the woman, but as a fellow human being, there's that basic decency one should be afforded. A person, regardless of their misdeeds, should have a choice. Benedikta should have full say whether or not she was Cid back in her life and should have all the time in the world to decide on that. Anything less would just be unkind.
Anything less would go against the ethos of the Hideaway.]
I gave her that choice six years ago. Waited six years until she died.
And she's once again back with Barnabas.
[His voice is deflated, whatever ire he had left gone.]
I'm not saying you're wrong. But...
[He looks at Jill now, frowning. Maybe she might be able to answer??]
She told me I should have fought harder.
[And this is where things get a bit mixed because he was with their mindset—wait. But her words seem to suggest otherwise and this is where confusion and uncertainty rises.]
[ ... Yeah this might be a Jill question to answer. It was already a difficult situation presented, but knowing the ins and outs of a woman's mind was farther than what Clive could hope to comprehend. At least for the moment.
Not that he didn't try, but that was something he himself was trying to work on.
He won't look at Jill too intently as to add any unnecessary pressure on her. Instead he'll keep his gaze locked on Cid and reading his facial expressions. ]
[Jill may be a woman with a woman's mind, but she isn't part of some shared brain between all of Valisthea's women. Hells, she barely knows her way around a relationship, finding herself still uncertain of doing more than chaste kisses and innocent hand-holding with Clive. Looking to a late bloomer for advice on why another woman being wishy washy will probably end up in sadness for all parties.
But what she does know is the fear of wishing for something for yourself, but being too afraid to ask for it. For Jill, it was because everything she desired was denied of her or worse, the mere want of a thing was promised only for it to be used against her over and over again until it was beaten out of her spirit. She learned to be hesitant in entertaining the simple idea, much less the actual action, of having a want.
Maybe this is Benedikta's issue, though Jill's guess is foggy. She knows not of what the woman has gone through, only knowing her as the Wind Harpy with the nasty attitude. But no one is born with such a personality, are they? Not without a good reason.]
Did you fight at all? Did you ask her once and believe that was it?
[The questions are soft in nature, not at all accusing. She's just trying to find out what exactly is Cid's definition of fighting for Benedikta is.]
It may not have been enough to break through the fear of wanting something so big, a change bigger than her, without a firm hand at her back.
[A small, haggard sigh as he runs a hand over his face.]
At least, not in the way she wanted I suppose. Short of killing Hugo and Barnabas, the only other "way" left would have been to take her away kicking and screaming with me.
[His hand then falls with a hard smack against his leg.]
Maybe I should have. But at the time she had made it so clear she wanted to stay in Waleod, that she wanted that over me, it was basically the final straw. How was I supposed to know she secretly wanted me to take her when she was doing everything else to say otherwise? All those times...
[He stops himself, not wanting to beleaguer old memories on two people who don't need to be dragged further into this mess. Especially when he knows how this all sounds.]
I always wondered if I should have just done it, but that would leave me no better than the rest. So I let her have her choice. But with how things turned out...
[Another empty wave of his hand.]
You may be right. I missed the signs and should have given her a firmer hand.
[Security with an all powerful king versus a man set to go rogue and rebel against the world. From that standpoint, the choice is clear for someone too afraid of risks.]
[ Despite not knowing the inner workings of one's psyche, Clive could feel empathy for Cid's situation. He didn't know Benedikta as well had he had- he could never know- but by simply listening to the man's words it was clear there was an uncontrollable conflict that he was stuck in the middle of.
There was no changing of the past- no time capsule or magick spell that could spend him to fix this. There was only here, now, at this very moment. And the fact that the gods gave them both another chance had to mean something, right? ]
You couldn't have know at the time, Cid. [ Clive breathes his words out slowly, as if to change his approach. The tension settling in the room was growing thicker and the man attempts to disperse some of it by a supportive squeeze to Cid's shoulder. ] She may have not known herself. But you tired, and did what you thought you could.
[ No option that Cid presented seemed good at the time. To fight both Barnabas and Hugo? Even Clive knew how that would have turned out. And then to try to forcefully pull her from her situation? It seemed as though he had made the one and only decision that felt right. ]
All that's left is to continue to be there for her, even at a distance. You know as well as I how long scars take to heal...
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no subject
But not out of contempt. He knows wallowing in alcohol was a poor decision, but it was the one he needed at the time. ...Still not going to apologize to Clive about the punch—not tonight, anyway. He will later when he sobers up.
For now, he just lets out a hollow laugh.]
Space... Well it's what she wants, so that's exactly what she'll get.
no subject
But here, now, at least they had one another to lean on for support. No longer was acting alone necessary, but getting Cid to realize that just as he had would be a greater task now that Benedikta had been wedged into the mix... ]
Likely for the best. At least for now. [ He wants to find some way to encourage him- to get him back on his feet- so he, too, will drop his tone just enough to continue. ]
But, in time, she may have a change of heart. If the both of you shared that connection before, perhaps there is room to try again. [ Even though he... was the one to end her life in the first place. A decision he could not regret, but likely one that only further complicated things. ]
That may not be for you to decide, though. Only when she is ready.
no subject
But that's something for her to argue Cid down about when his mind is less fueled by ale.]
And if she is ever ready, you must not become bitter over how long it took for her decision to arrive.
[It's a strange feeling, this consideration she's giving to Benedikta of all people. Jill can't say she likes one bit of the woman, but as a fellow human being, there's that basic decency one should be afforded. A person, regardless of their misdeeds, should have a choice. Benedikta should have full say whether or not she was Cid back in her life and should have all the time in the world to decide on that. Anything less would just be unkind.
Anything less would go against the ethos of the Hideaway.]
Until then? You wait.
no subject
[It's not that what they said is wrong. Just...]
I gave her that choice six years ago. Waited six years until she died.
And she's once again back with Barnabas.
[His voice is deflated, whatever ire he had left gone.]
I'm not saying you're wrong. But...
[He looks at Jill now, frowning. Maybe she might be able to answer??]
She told me I should have fought harder.
[And this is where things get a bit mixed because he was with their mindset—wait. But her words seem to suggest otherwise and this is where confusion and uncertainty rises.]
no subject
Not that he didn't try, but that was something he himself was trying to work on.
He won't look at Jill too intently as to add any unnecessary pressure on her. Instead he'll keep his gaze locked on Cid and reading his facial expressions. ]
no subject
But what she does know is the fear of wishing for something for yourself, but being too afraid to ask for it. For Jill, it was because everything she desired was denied of her or worse, the mere want of a thing was promised only for it to be used against her over and over again until it was beaten out of her spirit. She learned to be hesitant in entertaining the simple idea, much less the actual action, of having a want.
Maybe this is Benedikta's issue, though Jill's guess is foggy. She knows not of what the woman has gone through, only knowing her as the Wind Harpy with the nasty attitude. But no one is born with such a personality, are they? Not without a good reason.]
Did you fight at all? Did you ask her once and believe that was it?
[The questions are soft in nature, not at all accusing. She's just trying to find out what exactly is Cid's definition of fighting for Benedikta is.]
It may not have been enough to break through the fear of wanting something so big, a change bigger than her, without a firm hand at her back.
no subject
If we're talking about the past, then no.
[A small, haggard sigh as he runs a hand over his face.]
At least, not in the way she wanted I suppose. Short of killing Hugo and Barnabas, the only other "way" left would have been to take her away kicking and screaming with me.
[His hand then falls with a hard smack against his leg.]
Maybe I should have. But at the time she had made it so clear she wanted to stay in Waleod, that she wanted that over me, it was basically the final straw. How was I supposed to know she secretly wanted me to take her when she was doing everything else to say otherwise? All those times...
[He stops himself, not wanting to beleaguer old memories on two people who don't need to be dragged further into this mess. Especially when he knows how this all sounds.]
I always wondered if I should have just done it, but that would leave me no better than the rest. So I let her have her choice. But with how things turned out...
[Another empty wave of his hand.]
You may be right. I missed the signs and should have given her a firmer hand.
[Security with an all powerful king versus a man set to go rogue and rebel against the world. From that standpoint, the choice is clear for someone too afraid of risks.]
no subject
There was no changing of the past- no time capsule or magick spell that could spend him to fix this. There was only here, now, at this very moment. And the fact that the gods gave them both another chance had to mean something, right? ]
You couldn't have know at the time, Cid. [ Clive breathes his words out slowly, as if to change his approach. The tension settling in the room was growing thicker and the man attempts to disperse some of it by a supportive squeeze to Cid's shoulder. ] She may have not known herself. But you tired, and did what you thought you could.
[ No option that Cid presented seemed good at the time. To fight both Barnabas and Hugo? Even Clive knew how that would have turned out. And then to try to forcefully pull her from her situation? It seemed as though he had made the one and only decision that felt right. ]
All that's left is to continue to be there for her, even at a distance. You know as well as I how long scars take to heal...